I just threw up on my dentist
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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