Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
