is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
