My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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