Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
