his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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