How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
