my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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