I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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