Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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