i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
