So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He better not be in your backpack
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
