found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
