What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
