Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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