By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
