wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
