I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
