I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
