A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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