I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
