she woke up with a sticky ear
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
