Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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