You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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