I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
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