i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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