Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize