My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
