Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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