nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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