She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
