Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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