I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
