I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
