phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
