My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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