he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
