Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
