I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize