Where is the hickey?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Randomize
