my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
