I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
