no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Randomize
