My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
