Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
