I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
