Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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