hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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