We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
My pussy is not your playground.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
