I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
