Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
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