She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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