I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
