I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
