I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
