she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
