your room smells of hookers.
And success
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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