tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
