I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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