I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Screwed.edu
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
