We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
